I don’t know if I love time or hate it. I believe I must honor it, but I can’t say I revere it. It’s a complex relationship—one in which I feel simultaneously in control and out of control. Can I get a witness?

The concept of borrowing time is weird to me. I get it...but at the same time I don’t. Borrowing time means it must be repaid. The phrase itself gives the ominous realization that something outside of our control will inevitably occur; even if you have a few stolen moments to yourself, your impending fate was only delayed. Handle your business. Get your house in order. It’s about to go down.

Ultimately, I see time as a resource. Each day I live I have endless access to time, however, it is only in that moment.

I can’t keep it.

I can’t hold it. 

I can’t store it in a mason jar and save it for later. 

I must use it right then and there otherwise I lose it. The idea of losing time sucks. It sucks big.

I’m always aware of time. I’m aware of the clock ticks even when I don’t hear them. I’m aware that use of time in one area often negates its use in others. That shit makes me anxious. 

In fact, it keeps me up some nights.

It disrupts my zzzzz’s.

And that’s just downright disrespectful.

“I’m right on time.”

“God has me.”

“Everything works together for my good.” 

These and other go-to phrases become my lullaby in those moments when I must corral my thoughts and soothe myself back to a place of slumber.

Then the alarm sounds.

I set the coffee pot, brush my teeth...

Wash, rinse, and repeat.

Time frustrates me most when I’m trying to achieve a work-life balance. 

Ah...the dreaded work-life balance convo.

We speak of this phenomenon in a way that capitalizes on ideas of making more time through schedule reconfigurations and prioritization lists. 

We place demands on supposed free time and slate bubble baths in between practices and other obligations.

We demand paused thoughts and actions for centering, regrouping, and brunch.

We’re supposed to take time, regaining some semblance of control in what we do, where we do it and with whom.

We aim for more robust, fruitful, and well-rounded schedules, seizing opportunities for what’s important.

But if we’re being honest, it’s all important. Right?

Sweeping is a mindless chore until one steps on something, piercing the skin.

Laundry is mundane until one’s out of clean skivvies or clean towels.

The drive-thru is only so appropriate for scoring dinner during the week until those favorite pants no longer fit.

So how do I determine where and how to spend my time when it all matters?

I regard updating my resume as highly as I do my sumo squats.

I feel the internal pressure to write a new blog post as deeply as I do to submit a poem.

When it all matters most (in its own respective category, of course) how am I to relinquish parts of it so I am not relinquishing myself?  My goals? My dreams?

How Sway?!

Since I’ve had this exchange with several people, I propose that work-life balance as we know it is bull. Not one person has been able to achieve the never-falling cosmic orbit in which everything suspends overhead in perfect harmony, freeing the phalanges to hold close only those things held dearest.

The pursuit is exhausting and if you’re whooped trying to relax it’s time to dismantle the machine.

Seriously, how am I to succeed when my professional life systematically creates—sometimes necessitates—a dominant space of imbalance?

Think about it: many of us spend 5 out of 7 days at work or performing some work-based activity: night-before prep, next day alarm, the dressing, the commute/breakfast run, the day, the commute home, the decompressing. Stuff in there a workout, a social outing, counseling, a class or homework and before you know it the alarm has sounded. Here we are again with the wash, rinse and repeat!

5/7… that’s over 70% of our week (hold your tongues math people and ride this thought wave with me for a bit).

This leaves 2 out of 7 days of the week for non-work based activities; what am I doing with my less than 30%? 

• Sleeping in (rarely).

• Getting an oil change.

• Powering through an untimed workout where I can get all my sets in.

• Scratching my scalp.

• Finally replying to the Marco Polo my homegirl left the week prior.

• Attending TLWM (I love this church). 

• Scouting the city for new fun spots.

• Having a dinner with my boo that’s not infringed upon by our curfew (“we have to work in the morning” will shut a good time down, won’t it?)

My attempts to do the “it” that matters to me in the moment have created a practice in which I stuff bits of my personal and creative life into the unclaimed hours of my professional life:

• I grocery shop, edit my post or wash a load of clothes during my lunch hour.

• I use my car rides to schedule doctor appointments, pay bills, or make catch-up calls to framily.

• I peruse JoAnn’s website for inspiration during my breaks.

Did I mention I’m growing a business? (that calls for early AM late PM stuffing)

I’m active within my tribe. (more stuffing)

Long story short I’ve allowed my strategic self to organize my creative self and schedule my hours like prescription dosages.

Sometimes, I’m exhausted just by the planning phase alone. By nightfall I’m ready to power down although I’m pressured to complete “it” before bed.  But I don’t feel like doing the “it” I’m supposed to do in order to move the needle along. 

Trying to balance this work-life road is less like a pathway and more like a beam. I’m knock-kneed; balance beams and I have our own relationship and you mean to tell me this obstacle is timed??

What would happen if I let go? What if I released myself from the pressure of trying to do it all by the deadline?  How will I ensure I’ll fall safely onto the padded mat below?

Is there a mat?  There is a mat, isn’t there?

Of course, there is. It’s called Grace.

Now let’s be clear: I don’t have the answers.

I cannot instruct you on how to carry your load in a way that won’t break your back. What I can share is what I’m learning...

I’m learning that I can only do up to (and not exceeding) two things good at the same time. Everything else must wait.

I’m accepting that as strong as I am, God is stronger and is the only one between the two of us that can be omnipresent.

I’m respecting that I must focus my attention on my one or--up to but not exceeding—two things and leave everything else in “pending” status.

I’m relinquishing control of time as I am not its author or finisher.

I’m determined to enjoy my time at whatever I’m doing cause that’s all the time I have guaranteed. 

What about you? Where are you with this work-life thing? Share below.

Love always.