Image via Heavenly Treasures
I’m jealous.
...not every day, but on more occasions than I care to count. The “of whom” or “of what” is irrelevant because the root of my issue is the mentality of the woman in the mirror. That’s right, it’s my personal perception. When I see myself as “less than,” I regard everything I produce--including gifts, contributions, and even my presence--as insufficient. I then consider any acknowledgement of my greatness as a nicety, or pity-filled concession. You see, if an external truth doesn’t abide by an internal one, it’s ineffective.
I worked through a year-long therapy stint during my time in DC to uncover the origin of this problematic root. Back then, I recognized it’s fruit as chronic fear especially when it came to writing my dissertation. That’s right, the same root issue can produce fruit in different forms. Nevertheless, I identified various occurrences in which I or others said or did something to reinforce this ideology of insufficiency. The origin of it, however, was unfounded. What caused my belief system? It was plaguing because no matter how far I delved into the past of “who said or did what when,” countless others spoke life into me or countered this ideology in other ways. So why was this falsity imbedded in my psyche as the truth, the rule, the law? Because I believed it. Me. No more, no less. I’m accountable for it.
When I decided to make my spiritual core my 2019 focus, my purpose was to fortify a SOP (standard operational procedure) within that would hold me steady. When answering the dreaded “who am I” question, my run-down was a list of applicable nouns mainly steeped in relationships with other people. It was also connected to my ministerial gifts. When the “who” is connected to the “what” it became a bit tricky because it became performance-based behavior.
I knew I needed an anchor.
By definition, an anchor prevents drifting due to wind or currents. When the circumstances of life changed, or I no longer performed to my (or others’) expectations, what then would I hold on to as my immovable anchor? What would I believe about myself that would keep me from shifting and swaying when life did what life does?
I knew I needed to get to the root of my issues, eff the origin. In order to deal with it I needed to employ the tools in my arsenal and get to work. Rather than turn my attention to the outside world, however, I needed to look inward and own myself. I needed to accept my whole self (likes and dislikes). Those things I did not enjoy, I needed to know I had the power to change. Those things I loved, I needed to swim ocean-wide into them. I required a privatized self-acceptance that would supersede any public condemnation or adoration.
Addressing the root issue of this “less than” personal perception would extinguish the fruit of performance-based anxiety. It would extinguish the fruit of comparison. It would extinguish the fruit of jealousy. The work is ongoing, and (at times) it’s painful. The pain, however, is a necessary one...like applying isopropyl alcohol to a wound. There’s no shame or condemnation in dealing with your root issues. Go ahead! Get your whole self together so you can thrive as your most optimal self. This kind of work is not mathematical; its spiritual, it’s mental and it’s physical. Give yourself the grace and encouragement to transform any ramshackle mindset to one of redemption.